I will wait.
I thought for the longest time (and honestly even now to a great extent) that I was waiting for something, something specific. I have waited (still waiting) for jobs. I have waited for results from tests and papers. I have waited for news both good and bad. I have waited for things to happen, like Christmas morning. I have waited for graduation, a marriage, wealth, etc.
Many of those things have come and yet, here I am still waiting. I am SLOWLY realizing that I have been waiting for the wrong thing. I have been waiting for something that will never come. I admit, too, that I have not been patient. I demand immediacy. If I am really honest with myself its the only thing I’m willing to wait on, as long as it doesn’t take too long. Today, as I made this confession out loud, I was sickened. I was sickened because as I explored this truth a little further I realized the picture I had drawn of God.
Allow me, if you will, to draw the picture for you. DISCLAIMER: If for any reason reading the truth about me and the way I have been picturing God will cause you to think less of me or knock me off some pedestal you may have set me upon (not saying anyone has), I beg you to keep reading. That’s right I beg you, plead with you, strongly encourage,)…
*God, author and perfector of creation and time, grant me this my prayer. I want it NOW, I’m kind of in a hurry. I would like to order a McSomething, with a side of well seasoned pay and a glass of sweet time with family. Oh yes, by all means, super size it too. How much did you say that was going to be? You must be kidding me. What has the world come to? Prices for fast food prayer demands these days, sheez! *
*In truth, I am not happy with the HeavenlyPrime account. Two Day delivery, really. Where is my guaranteed delivery by RIGHT THEN AND THERE if I pray it up in the next 12 hours. I paid all this for a streaming service where there is nothing to watch/listen to and the only other benefit is the option for possible speedy delivery. I just checked the tracking and its says still in processing, but I have the PRIME account! Is this real life? Just give me what I ordered already!
*
This is all true. ALL OF IT. It’s how I feel and I realized today that’s how I have been treating this period of waiting in my life. Can you tell, I’m tired of it. What a bold statement on my part too. “I am tired of waiting.” What does waiting even require? Aside from the whole patience thing, nothing. And perhaps that’s my problem. I am so inclined to be doing, giving, exerting effort in some way, that I find myself lost because God wants nothing from me right now, except me. I confess, I am struggling with that. I want to give my life to him, but I don’t want Him to have me. Does that even make sense? Well, I’m glad you understand, because I don’t.
What I am waiting for is stuck somewhere between my heart and my head. I know it is, I can feel it. It’s there, but I can’t move it. The weight of waiting is real and oh my gosh it’s heavy. Waiting is a burden and I am weak. I am fully aware that God has provided, is providing, and will continue to provide, but I don’t want to wait. You see, I am Anxious Alan. Waiting does not sit well me because, I don’t sit well. Oh, I have so much to learn (and to think, I felt I had almost arrived). Isn’t that funny? Ok, you can stop laughing and smirking. It was a rhetorical question after all.
So, here am I. Send me. No wait! That’s not right. Wrong Isaiah passage (yeah, I tried to make a Bible joke).
Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
As 2016 began, I made a one word commitment, a resolution of sorts to learn, practice, study, experience, and get wrapped up in PATIENCE. Why, you ask? Because, I need it. In case you missed the message above, I’m in real need of patience. How does one best learn patience, by living it of course. So, I will wait and I’ll even sing with Mumford & Sons:
‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies
And I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Written by Alan Oliver https://waymonwrites.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/i-will-wait/